there are times when the sadness is so overwhelming, you wonder how you can possibly stand it. You feel like you're being crushed, like you're so thoroughly smothered by dispair and hopelessness and longing that you can't breathe. You can't speak. You don't even have the energy to stand. Sometimes, the sadness is so overwhelming that all you can do is cry, just crumble entirely beneath it's weight.

but I'm lucky. I'm incredibly lucky, because when that sadness came, Brian was right there with me. To hold me and to be held until the weight lifted.

It's funny, in a way...he hates to see me cry. He hates it when something he says or does or has to do makes me break down into tears. I guess he doesn't understand yet that crying is a wonderful thing.
Sometimes, you need to cry in order to smile. Just fight your way through the storm so you can reach the calm behind it.

He'll be calling in an hour or two....I can't wait to talk to him. I think I'll tell him the cow joke again.

It's wierd that I've been writing in here so much in the past couple days. Normally, I only think to blah when I'm in an especially cruddy mood, and then I come back later to assure everyone that I've recovered. But...well, I'm actually in a good mood right now. Kind of excited, really. There's a lot of stuff going on right now - film stuff, website stuff, animation stuff, job stuff - that's keeping me busy without stressing me out too badly. It's kinda nice. I like having things to do.

I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do this summer, tho....all that's certain is that I'm stayin in New York (prolly in the same room) and that I'll be taking 8 credits of elementary Cantonese. I have no clue where I'll be working, or if I'll even be getting paid...ugh...

I'm also extrememly nervous about the whole roommate thing. See, I'm the only one of my current roomies who's staying past May. Which means that I'll have two strangers moving in as soon as the summer semester starts. One of my living buddies is already driving me crazy...stupid ho... *snarls*...what if BOTH of the newcomers are like her? What if my room becomes a den of bad music, inane phone conversations and skanky boyfriends? What if I'm the lone voice of reason in a whirlwind of shallow female nonsense? What if I'm forced to come home to my own personal Hell every day after work? O_o

merf

I guess I'll just see what happens...maybe I'll get lucky. And if not, I can just be as much of a pain in the arse as they are. It's not like I care what stupid people think of me - more now than ever, I have next to no tolerance for most of humanity, and even less for most girls. Girls are evil. If I was a lesbian, I'd either kill myself or join the clergy.

In other news, I hooked up my Ethernet hub, and moved the USB hub so that I can swap things around with my ibook....but my desktop won't talk to my roommate's camera for unknown reasons. And the ethernet's being very slow, but I don't know if it's my ISP or the hub. And...grr.

But Derek's page is cool.

I just watched the Harry Potter trailer.....oh my god....I don't know how I'm going to make it 'till November, but I DO know that I've got to get my ass into a movie theater and see this on the big screen. It's....wow. If the trailer is any indication at all, I won't be dissappointed with how this film turns out. I take back every nasty thing I ever said about Chris Columbus.

Wanna see? Check it here.

I wish I didn't have to clean my room before class. I just want to sit here and watch the thing over and over again, until it's been perminantly burned into my Brain. I want to run to the nearest movie theater with all my friends tomorrow, go to "See Spot Run" just to watch the trailer and applaude for it like an idiot, and then walk out. I really, REALLY tried not to get excited about this movie....but....well, so much for that...

for one thing, the comic I've been feverishly working on (three pages, just replace the "01" with an "02"...you get the idea...) looks pretty goddamn aweful. I'm not going to redo the pages I've finished, since I'm determined to make some progress with this thing story-wise....but it's discouraging to spend three days on something, then be disappointed by the finished piece. ugh.

I'm having those nasty Brian doubts again. I don't know where they come from. I think it's hormonal. But I hate them. And there's no one to talk to.

I want to capture the videos I did last semester and optimize them for the web, so y'all can finally see them...but Ican't get my computer to aknowledge there's a camera plugged into it, and the camera's owner isn't here to help me.

My room is a pit, but I'm too tired to clean it properly.

And. Well...jeez, I'm just tired.... -_-

:: end blah ::

Want to read the REALLY old shit? Here ya go.